continuation.. hehe

0 out of **** stars

There are some movies that you must lower your expectations for to enjoy: boy meets girl at a dance class, two people exchange bodies, an animal and a person exchange bodies, an action movie starring Paul Walker, any movie starring Paul Walker. To lower our expectations is to possibly get at least a smidgen of enjoyment out of the cliches, tired premises, corny humour, and big explosions that frequent such movies. However, in the case of Lost & Found, even if you press play on your VCR (curse you if you own this on DVD) and expect to watch fresh elephant shit cook in the heat of the afternoon sun while getting consumed by dung beetles, you'll still come out disappointed. And that's the understatement of the century.

This movie, 'directed' by Jeff Pollack, is a piece of shit. It's a waste of time, a waste of talent (I'm not including David Spade who is always a waste, never a talent), a waste of energy. A waste. It's infuriating. A true test of will. It's the kind of movie that makes you question humanity and convinces you that there is no God. If there is a hell, the sinners will be tied to a chair and have their eyes pinned open a la Clockwork Orange and be forced to witness David Spade parade around on screen like a moron for eternity (and don't be fooled into thinking that a La-Z-Boy would make it any more comfortable). I wouldn't wish this movie on my worst enemy. Maybe Bush, Hitler, and certainly David Spade but no one else.

The "plot" of the movie is this: an obnoxious loser (Spade) kidnaps a beautiful woman's dog (the woman is played by former Bond girl and femme fatale Sophie Marceau. Why oh, WHY did she agree to do this movie??? I hope she grabbed her check and ran). He does this to get closer to the woman, which is both creepy and disgusting, while the woman's ex-boyfriend (or something like that, I don't even remember) continues to try to woo her with his "charm". His character is smarmy and gross and I pitied the woman for being stuck between these two ingrates rather than laugh at the situational humour. That's really all there is to say besides the dog eating a ring and having to wait for it to poop (done much better in American Wedding), a few moments that are supposed to be touching, and the hellish nightmare of a scene where David Spade gets up on a stage, sings, dances, and throws an elderly woman through a table. This might sound mildly amusing, but trust me, it sucks the life out of you. Oh, and did I mention David Spade shirtless? I apologize for that grotesquely nightmarish image. Sadly, the best acting comes from the dog, who is sometimes cute, a lot of times annoying, but certainly the smartest and most interesting character.

If all of this isn't enough to keep you away from this utter disaster, a terrible cameo from Martin Sheen is enough to make anyone sick. I just pretended he was being blackmailed or held hostage and was forced into appearing in the movie. It helps to forget him in this movie if you repeat his other roles over and over. The Departed, The West Wing, Apocalypse Now. The Departed, The West Wing, Apocalypse Now.The Departed, The West Wing, Apocalypse Now.

Needless to say, I would rather use a vibrator with a pinecone glued to its end than watch this movie again (a joke from Stepford Wives...I could never come up with such naughty humour). I would rather have a used needle inserted in my pupil and my eye juices whisked than watch this movie again. I would rather have my shin cut in half and scrape sandpaper against the raw bone than watch this movie again. I would rather masticate the colon of a diseased, rotting, maggot-infested lab-rat than suffer through this movie again...O.K. O.K. I'll stop before this turns into a Bob Saget joke from The Aristocrats. Just avoid this crap. Please. You probably didn't need to be told this, considering it is a straight-to-video release starring David Spade but I still feel the necessity to warn people. If you ever see it sitting in the back corner of a store collecting cobwebs, pick it up, throw it to the floor and stomp it to pieces. I will die fulfilled if I prevented one more innocent victim from witnessing this truly awful movie. Go out and find some dung beetles to watch instead.

(disclaimer: once again, the image was taken from Google Images)

I saw the DVD of the indie film Umaaraw, Umuulan in Astrovision some weeks ago. The cover looked simple with only Ryan Agoncillo drenched in the rain and holding a book over his head but he looked absolutely hot and all, so I started looking for it online. The reviews weren’t too good so I didn’t feel like watching it anymore but I still wanted to watch Ryan Agoncillo in a movie that did not involve Judy Ann Santos (although I know she still had a cameo in Umaaraw Umuulan). I mean, I do believe they’re very happy together and I support that but I still don’t think they look good together. I appreciated Kasal, Kasali, Kasalo and its sequel because they were good movies. Anyway, it was too bad that Umaaraw, Umuulan kind of sucked because even though I don’t really like Precious Lara Quigaman (his leading lady there), I had a feeling they would be “aesthetically pleasing” together. To try and satisfy my Ryan Agoncillo craving, I searched his name in crunchyroll to see if he had other movies uploaded. Then, I saw My Kuya’s Wedding. I remember telling my sister when we saw its poster before, when it came out, that Maja Salvador and Ryan Agoncillo look more like lovers than siblings. So I had a feeling it would probably bother me watching them as siblings in the movie. Pauleen Luna played his fiancee and I was also thinking they did not look good together. I saw all the comments in crunchyroll, which were mostly positive. They all said it was good, relatable, and even cry-able. So I decided to try watching the first part at least, JUST for Ryan Agoncillo. Hehe!

The first part was kind of disturbing, with Jeff, the brother, and Kat, the sister, as kids. Kat poured water at a girl who wanted to date her brother. It was then mentioned that she did that with all the girls who liked him. Later on, they grow up into Maja as Kat and Ryan as Jeff. Kat throws water at the girl who, again, wanted to go on a date with Jeff and tells her that he can’t go because he’s taking her to the prom. I was thinking “Why would she actually, really WANT her brother to take her to her prom? Maybe she likes him a little too much…” It felt scandalous but I kept watching. I’m going to admit that I might have a thing for incest stories too (it started with Peter/Claire in heroes and Justin/Rebecca in Brothers and Sisters) but it’s only interesting in fiction, not real life, eww. I mean, why the hell do they make actors with sexual chemistry related in shows? Anyway, going back to the topic… The story actually seemed nice and I really felt for the characters. I felt the bond and the pain their going through. I planned to only watch the first part but I couldn’t stop watching once I started.

It was actually a lot like My Best Friend’s wedding. They based a lot of stuff from that film and My Best Friend’s Wedding was probably done better but My Kuya’s Wedding definitely affected me more. I guess it could be because I related more with it. I DO have two brothers, who are both married now, although I never tried to ruin their weddings. I did feel sad, however, when I realized they were actually leaving our house. I felt like I was losing them then. The film was also able to show the closeness and the love between the siblings. I was excited along with Kat when she found out her brother was coming back from abroad and I was annoyed along with her when his fiancee, Heidi, showed up with him in the airport. How come he never even mentioned anything over the phone? It really pissed me off too. And then Heidi was acting as if she knew him better, loved him more, etc. (I really hated her). Jeff was being completely neglectful of Kat too. So even though it was wrong to try and destroy their relationship, I really understood what she was doing and I would’ve done it too.

I never expected it, but the third part really brought me to tears… a lot of tears. Believe me, that does not happen often. It’s surprising that it was even from a movie that’s supposed to be light and fun. I was so affected by the dramatic moments that even when they tried to move on to the funnier scenes, I was still crying and sobbing so much. Everyone got mad at Kat, of course, when she admitted what she did and she never even fought back to defend herself. She was just really sorry and taking all the blame. I wanted to fight for her, in fact I wanted her to succeed in her plans (nyahaha!). Well, the ending was still nice and happy so it’s all good.

I just have to say that I really respect Maja Salvador as an actress now. She was very good and full of energy. I never thought she would be awesome in comedy as well, I was very impressed. She does deserve the lead role. Ryan Agoncillo was also good. I don’t think his character required much from him though. Pauleen Luna wasn’t bad either. She was super nice as her character was supposed to be and it was annoying as hell, which I think might be the point. I STILL think she has no chemistry with Ryan Agoncillo. Jason Abalos’ was kind of blah… his character was kind of, as I would call it in Filipino, “epal,” which means like someone who’s unnecessarily butting in, but it was funny how they made his character into this completely conceited jerk in a not-too-cliche manner. Like when people were asking for his autograph he asked one of them, “Crush mo ko? (Do you have a crush on me?)” He was supposed to be an evicted housemate from a Big Brother type of show. He was voted out because people hated him even though he’s “hot.” I guess he was important too when he was trying to help out and talk to Kat. What made him unnecessary was that he seemed to be included in the movie just to give Maja a love interest.

To sum up, it’s sort of a rip off of My Best Friends Wedding but I think it’s still worth it. Well, just for the Maja or Ryan hotness, it’s worth it but I think the movie is really good too so I highly recommend it. So watch now!

A twenty-foot-high ape is discovered living in the African outback, known as simply 'Joe' to a 21-year-old woman who grew up playing with the mighty animal. Escaping from poachers, the ape and the woman flee to Los Angeles, where the duo become an overnight sensation. As fame and fortune elevates the young woman in society, an incident occurs which leads the ape to run amok through downtown L.A. And the only human ever to be fully trusted by Joe may not be able to stop him.